Three Ways to Love Your Wife: Naso
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"Do you love me?"
is Tevye's powerful question.
How should we love
and show our love?
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We are taught that our loving relationship with Hashem is meant to be a prototype to teach us about dedicated attachment in general. Why did the Sages include an apparently secular passionate lovesong (King Solomon's Song Of Songs) in The Scriptures ( the Tanach)? They did so because they viewed the love story primarily as a powerful metaphor for our love of Hashem. Similarly, Maimonides was asked "How does a person know if he has reached a sufficiently deep love for Hashem?" He answered that one should love Hashem with the intensity that a lovesick man worships the woman he adores (Hilchos Teshuvah, 10:3).
So, let us look at this view
about Hashem's loving relationship with us in this week's parsha (Naso , Num.4:21-7:89 ), and then apply that instruction to our home life.
The Kohanim bless the Israelites with the tripartite
Benediction in three verses (6:24-26):
May Hashem bless you and guard you -
יְבָרֶכְךָ יהוה, וְיִשְׁמְרֶךָ
May Hashem make His face shed light upon you and be gracious unto you -
יָאֵר יהוה פָּנָיו אֵלֶיךָ, וִיחֻנֶּךָּ
May Hashem lift up His face unto you and give you peace -
יִשָּׂא יהוה פָּנָיו אֵלֶיךָ, וְיָשֵׂם לְךָ שָׁלוֹם
The commentator the Kli Yakar (1550-1619) explains this benediction and differentiates three aspects of Hashem's relating to us (p. תקפג).
One facet is the relationship of a father to a daughter. When the first verse speaks of Hashem "guarding" us, it is clear that there is a superordinate relationship between the guarder and the guardee.
A second facet is the more egalitarian relationship of an adult man and an adult woman. When the second verse speaks of a "face shedding light", the Kli Yakar derives that this is the eye to eye contact between complementary forces, analogous to the Sun and the Moon.
The third facet also involves a superordinate relationship, but here the roles are reversed ; when Hashem "lifts up His face unto you", Hashem is the subordinate position, like a
daughter gazing up at her mother.
(Note: The Lubavitcher Rebbe also discusses situations where Hashem is, as it were, subordinate to us, as in the Rebbe's clarification of the words "Menachem Av". Those words convey that it is we who comfort Hashem, rather than the reverse.)
In clarifying the three possible dyadic relationships here, the
Kli Yakar speaks of the Israelites as Feminine ( daughter, wife, mother). However, he presents a similar set of three dyads, with the Israelites as Male, in his commentary on Yisro (Ex.19:4). There, the Israelites take on the position of a nursing baby, a brother, and a ruler, vis-a-vis Hashem.
So how do we apply this three-part paradigm to marriage?
There are times when we relate to our spouse as equals. We respectfully elicit their opinions and preferences concerning major decisions. We expect parity, fairness, negotiation, and the bearing of adult responsibilities.
There our times when we relate to our spouse as a beloved son or daughter. We enjoy pampering them, delighting them with unexpected goodies. We relish them the way that Hashem enjoys Our People as He remembers our engagement to Him in our youth. We "cut then some slack," when they are having a hard day. We protect and encourage them.
Sometimes that means that we stay dedicated to them despite their serious failings or character defects, just as we would be lovingly committed to a problematic child. That commitment can include both tender patience as well as "tough love."
A dear friend of mine told me how he had been very close to his sweet daughter: he taught her how to swim, how to drive, how to solve quadratic equations, how to research an essay...However, when she turned 16, she saw him as an insensitive, overbearing, male chauvinist dictator who interfered with her fun. For three years he wandered in the desert, carrying his love, longing for a return to the promised land. And at age 19, she danced back into his embrace.
Sometimes we relate to a spouse as our
mother or father.
They are our wellspring for support, courage and faith.
Sarah was awakened in the middle of the night by her husband Chaim's restlessness and moans.
"Honey, what's wrong?"
"We're ruined," he answered. "I met with my accountant, my lawyer, my plant manager, and my marketing director. The business is going under. What will become of us? How could Hashem do this to us? I can't sleep!"
"Honey, we are not ruined," she replied. "I have a very smart husband who has bounced back from setbacks in the past. If, if, if, chas v'sholom, worst comes to worst, we'll make believe we're young again. We'll sell this big house, and live in my parents' basement like we did after our honeymoon. I loved you then and I love you now. Go to sleep and we will solve this over coffee in the morning."
"Also," queried Sarah, " did you write to the Rebbe?"
"I didn't do that yet," said Chaim.
"O.K. So we'll also do that in the morning. Go to sleep."
And Chaim slept.
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May it be that we learn to fully integrate these three modes, such that Hashem too demonstrates His Ultimate Loving Integration, with the coming of Moshiach immediately.
My thanks to Rabbi Aaron Lankry, morah d'asra of Monsey's Ohr Chaim bais medrash, who introduced me to the Kli Yakar's comments on the priestly benediction.
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Dr. Yisroel Susskind is a clinical psychologist who practices locally (in Monsey, New York) and internationally (over the telephone and computer). He lectures worldwide on topics involving Torah, psychology, marriage and interpersonal relationships. He can be reached via email (This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.) or by phone (845-304-5481).
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