Would you Love to Love: Masei
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Would you Love to Love: Masei
Ed Yisroel Susskind, Ph.D.
July, 2017
That moment when you felt great love, wasn't it incredibly sweet and intoxicating! Can we continue those feelings throughout marriage?
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Look this week's parsha (Mattos-Masei) where the Reubenites soothe and protect a loving relationship with Moshe Rabbenu. Let's apply that example to marriage.
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In Num.32:5, the Reubenites respectfully request of Moshe Rabbenu that they settle on land outside of Canaan: "If we have found favor in thy sight, let this land be given unto thy servants for a possession; bring us not over the Jordan." Their request contains 14 words, in one verse.
In response, Moshe Rabbenu uses about 130 words in 10 uninterrupted verses (32:6-15) to rebuke, threaten and impugn. To paraphrase, he says , " You are sinful, just like your fathers. They angered Hashem and brought great punishment upon the Israelites, as will you. Your cowardice will dishearten the other tribes."
"'Shall your brethren go to the war, and shall ye sit here?", (32:6).
No doubt there are mystical interpretations of Moshe Rabbenu's behavior, beyond my comprehension. Nonetheless, the simple meaning of a Torah verse is also true.
From Moshe Rabbenu's reaction here, he sounds desperately worried. By defying Hashem, the Israelites had brought themselves close to extinction. And here we go again. Are the Reubenites going to challenge Hashem? In response, he lashes out angrily.
How will the Reubenites react?
Though sandwiched between a rock and a hard place, the Reubenites do not respond in kind. Let us imagine that there is a Reubenite Prince, named Robert, who acts as spokesman. Let me paraphrase Robert's response (32:16-19):
Robert: "oh, wow! I can see why you are upset. But, please let me reassure you. It is not our intention to avoid our duty. We would like to leave just our herds and families here in Trans-Jordan. We will fight alongside our brethren, and we won't return home until they have all received their lands."
Moshe Rabbenu is not appeased. He does not apologize. Rather, he skeptically accepts Robert's offer (32:20 -24); he carefully repeats both what Robert has committed to, and the threat of punishment. He ends with no appreciation for Roberts words and says, "[make sure that you] do that which hath proceeded out of your mouth."
This sequence repeats itself a number of times: Robert is deferential to Moshe Rabbenu, who maintains a skeptical and threatening stance.
Should Robert protest Moshe Rabbenu's "misplaced" accusations? No, he calmly reaffirms the Reubenite's commitments (32:31-32).
Apparently, Robert understands that Moshe Rabbenu is being driven by a loving, desperate need to protect the nation. Robert is committed to a loving attitude toward Moshe Rabbenu.
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What might we learn from this dialogue? Consider the following dysfunctional exchange between a couple.
Chaim and Esther are in their 40's. Esther has encouraged Chaim to leave his job as a senior computer consultant, in order to open his own business . Chaim feels overwhelmed.
Chaim: Esther, you need to carry your share of the load. The secretarial work is piling up. You're the one who talked me into this. And now you drop the ball. This is no time to be lazy.
Chaim is worried. He does not want to fail at providing for his family. He does not want to lose Esther's respect. However, he does not openly discuss his fears and pain with Esther. Instead, he blocks his pain by fleeing into anger.
Esther has some choices to make. Here's a bad choice.
Esther: Lazy? How dare you accuse me of that. You spend 12 hours a day playing with your computer toys, building your career, power dining clients, and I pick up all of the slack at home. When is the last time you took out the garbage? Stop moaning. Be a man. Get your job done.
Better choice. Esther wants to maintain a loving relationship with Chaim. She realizes that his unreasonableness comes out of fear. During his childhood, Chaim's mother had divorced Chaim's father David, when David's business went bankrupt. Esther intentional reminds herself of the many ways that Chaim has been caring. So, she ignores his unfair attacks, and "kisses the booboo." And she says:
Esther: Honey, I am sorry that the business is so pressured. You work so hard for us. Let me see if there is more that I can do. I can't promise, because with you away so many hours, I have to take care of the many, many things that you had been doing for us at home. I know we will get through this difficult time. Maybe my niece Devorah can stay with us for a while, so that I have some hours to come into the office. The main thing for me is that I want to be loving to you. Please let me do that, even if there are some other places where I displease you.
Chaim is still flooded emotionally.
Chaim: Maybe, Shmaybee. I need something definite now. Do you think you are going to be able to live your pampered life, if you don't help me? I know your mother leaches off your father, but I will not be exploited like he is.
Esther has some choices to make. Here's a bad choice.
Esther: My mother? You dare criticize my mother? What about your "angel" of a mother, the "aishe chayil" who abandoned her husband when he had no money and drove him away from the children. You'd better talk to a psychiatrist about your attitudes. I am not like your weakling father, who puts up with abuse.
Better choice. Esther realizes that it will take more to soothe Chaim. He is a good man, but he is vulnerable when stressed. Now is not the time to correct him.
Esther: Honey, you do really provide a wonderful life for us and I am free to just relax and take care of our 8 children. Maybe I should give up my cleaning lady or cancel our summer vacation, if that will relieve some pressure. Trust me. We will stand by you and we will get through this well. Is it OK for me to give you a hug, or is now a bad time? I can ask Dr. Susskind to step out of the room for a minute.
Esther's placating/soothing behavior would be self-destructive if it went on most of the time, if Chaim was, by nature, a blaming, belittling, narcissist. But most of the time, Chaim is nurturing.
So, like Robert, Esther stays focused on the main issue: I want to feel love for my husband and I want to touch his heart so that he feels loved.
"The main thing is to remember that the main thing is the main thing."
May it be that in our acting like Robert, Hashem remembers the Main Thing, bringing in Moshiach immediately.
Dr. Yisroel Susskind is a clinical psychologist who practices locally (in Monsey, New York) and internationally (over the telephone and computer). He lectures worldwide on topics involving Torah, psychology, marriage and interpersonal relationships. He can be reached via email (This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.) or by phone (845-304-5481).
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