Escaping Resentment to Move to Joy : Behar Bechukosai
The laws of shmitta are a metaphor for resolving resentment in order to move to an attitude of joy.
“We’ve hardly spoken to each other in 6 weeks.”
“I feel so resentful towards you, that I can’t bear to have a conversation with you.”
“We are both fed up.”
Can this couple pull themselves out of their quagmire?
Some answers appear in this week’s Torah reading, Behar-Bechukosai ( Lev. 25:1 – 27:34).
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The reading begins: “When you come into the land that I give you, the land shall observe a Sabbath rest.” This “rest”, called shmitah, requires that every seventh year, the Israelites neither harvest nor plant for the coming year.
Why does Hashem speak in the present tense, “the land that I give you”? He had already promised the land to sons of Abraham many times before. He should have said, “the land that I gave you.” One answer is that the concept of shmitah applies to us always, in a metaphoric sense, even at those times when we do not live in “the land.”
A long discussion of shmitah is followed by an unusual discussion of poverty. What is so unusual? The reading repeatedly uses atypical words for “impoverished”, words based on the root “moch”,מוך . That root is used 5 times here in our reading and nowhere else in all of Scripture. While the word exists in modern Hebrew, in my whole life I never heard someone use that word in a conversation. Even without the lexicological oddity here, one might ask,”why does the Torah juxtapose the topic of poverty to that of shmitah?”
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Shmitah represents the cycle of Separation, Trust and Ecstatic Reconciliation. Hashem says that he gives us the land, using present tense, because his act of giving is not a one-time event, a permanent transfer. He takes away our access to the land and its fruit, every 7 years. He expects that we will trust in him during the period of Separation. Can you imagine how frightening it must be for an agrarian economy to cease working the land. Sometimes, the Israelites could not tolerate this separation and they violated the shmitah laws.
Hashem says, “trust Me, I will take care you.” Imagine their Joy in the 8th year when the land was returned to them!
Shmitah is a metaphor for the cycles in relationships. There are times when we have free access to the fruits of the land; there are times of distance from the land. Sometimes our spouse is in a position to give to us; and sometimes they are not. When our spouse is not available, or when we have inadvertently “pushed one of their buttons,” there is the danger that we may see ourselves as desperate, impoverished and dying of hunger.
At times of distance, we may misperceive our spouse as an evil enemy. In reality, in much more than 90% of the cases, our spouse is not a sociopath. More likely, their negative behavior is from mutual misperceptions or from an intellectual or emotional clumsiness.
What is the source of our feeling impoverished, of our “moch”? There is a destructive force, hard-wired inside us, that tells us that we are resource poor. That sources kvetches, “How can you take care of them, when no one is taking care of you?”
The Talmud discusses the definition of poverty (Nedarim 41A). There, the Sage Abaye says., “There is no truly destitute person except he who is impoverished of emotional understanding”:
אין עני אלא בדעה
What is this lack of emotional understanding or da’as? What do we need to understand?
In the Torah reading, Hashem promises us great plenty, but only if we keep his edicts (chukosai). One of those edicts is that we take individual responsibility to cleanse ourselves of resentment, even if our partner does not reciprocate. One way that we do that is by having da’as: we see that our partner may act hostilely, not because he is malevolent, but because he has his irrational fears. Sometimes, we may need to be “tough”. But that toughness should only be in the realm of necessary action. Our hearts, attitudes, and words need to convey kindness. In fact, we really are rich enough inside that we can do so. This is a “chok”, a trans-rational edict imposed from Above. You don’t need to understand it intellectually. Just accept it.
And when I reach out to my spouse, spanning the gap and touching their heart, the energies of resentment transform to Joy. I feel joyous because my loving flow freed me from the bonds of resentment. My spouse feels joy because they see that I do not let their anger block my loving flow.
וְיִכְבְּשׁוּ רַחֲמֶיךָ אֶת כַּעַסְךָ
May Hashem fulfill the promise of Bechukosai and bring us the Ultimate Reconciliation, with the coming of Moshiach immediately.
My thanks to Rabbi Ahron Lankry, mora d’asra of Monsey’s Ohr Chaim, whose teaching influenced this dvar Torah.
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Dr. Yisroel Susskind is a clinical psychologist who practices locally (in Monsey, New York) and internationally (over the telephone and computer). He lectures worldwide on topics involving Torah, psychology, marriage and interpersonal relationships. He can be reached via email (This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.) or by phone (845-425-9531).
