Being Smart about Marriage : Pinchas
ב"ה
Being Smart about Marriage : Pinchas
Ed Yisroel Susskind, Ph.D.
July, 2017
The visual images in this week's writing,
To beautify your Shabbes,
Are flowers from my wife's garden.
והמבין יבין
Both King David and King Solomon advised that "the Ultimate Foundation of Wisdom is Shared Passionate Joy."
A confession: that's not true; I made it up.
What they did say was that :
"the Ultimate Foundation of Wisdom is Awe of Hashem",
(Psalms 111:10, רֵאשִׁית חָכְמָה יִרְאַת יְהוָה
Proverbs 9:10 תְּחִלַּת חָכְמָה יִרְאַת יְהוָה ).
So why my distortion? Because at a point where I was thinking about those authentic, oft-quoted, biblical verses, I free-associated to the idea that the Ultimate Wisdom in marriage is fundamentally based on multi-faceted, shared, passionate Joy.
So their wise, regal, and sacred pronouncements do obviously take precedence over Susskind's Principle of Joy; nonetheless, in the specific realm of marriage, I would assert that the Joy Principle is the Second Basic Axiom.
Achieving that Joy is the primary task in marriage. As that goal is achieved, it becomes easier to accomplish other aspirations ( such as creating a loving family with robust ethical children). I see couples who manage to thrive, despite their having strong unresolved differences. Professor John Gottman, my favorite marriage maven, states that most strong differences between husband and wife persist throughout the course of the marriage; they never get resolved. Yet these couples can be thrilled with their marriages.
How do they accomplish that?
They share Joy in each other ! This sharing generates a Basic Bedrock of Good Will toward each other. Thus, they can disagree without being disagreeable. They avoid being ensnared in the various forms of negativity ( anger, resentment, withdrawal, self-righteousness, victimhood...) that can destroy marriage.
How can you nurture such Joy in your marriage?
But first, how does this issue relate to the person Pinchos, the eponym of our parsha ? The Torah describes how Pinchos was a "zealot": he fully committed his life in order to defend the values of Torah and to protect the Israelites who were at risk of mortal sin. He rose to the occasion, despite his not being in a position of any authority.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe explains that Pinchos' episode is an example for all of us of zealous dedication and self-sacrifice:
"...self sacrifice does not mean going on to a roof and jumping off...does not require making a lot of noise...Rather self-sacrifice means having a mentality of selflessness in daily activities: not looking at or listening to things that should not be seen or heard."
מסירת נפש מיינט ניט ארויפגיין א דאך און אראפווארפן זיך...
דארף זיין אן רעש אן טומל...עס דארף זיין מסירות נפש
אין אלע פעולות פון טאג-טעגלעכן לעבן ...
How can we apply the Rebbe's instruction to the context of Joy in Marriage?
It is not enough to settle for Sholom Bayis (literally marital tranquility). We need to commit ourselves, our time, energy and money, to creating moments of intense Joy with our spouse. One way to do so is to push away negativity ("not looking at or listening to things that should not be seen or heard.") and to say my responsibility in marriage is to create Joy for my spouse.
A very simple yet profound way to do that is to devote time listening to your partner, to drawing out their feelings and opinions, looking for the aspects of them that you can admire and encourage. Gottman and Stephen Covey would ask, " do you know what their dreams are?". Do they sense that you see facets of them that delight you? Are they thrilled that you are deeply interested in them and that you understand them?
A yet simpler level is to see to it that you spend time together doing things that you can enjoy together. Do you find that doing these things with your spouse is more fun that if you did it alone or with one of your friends? Do your children see that their parents enjoy each other?
But what if you are a couple who are already struggling with conflict and resentments? I then ask: "Can you let go of your resentments for one hour a week and spend that time just enjoying each other?" Do so whether these resentments go back many years, or whether they were ignited yesterday. Unfortunately some people reply to me, "I can let myself relax and enjoy my partner only after we have resolved this specific conflict."
Unfortunately, if that is the individual's stance, the relationship may be doomed. Why? Because in order to have the will to compromise and sacrifice, there needs to be at least a minimum level of goodwill. "Resentment is an acid that destroys its container." For some people, they need the help of a mentor, friend, or therapist to be able to discard resentment.
There is more to say...
Will you try this week to implement some of these suggestions in your marriage?
May it be that in the merit of our creating Joy in our marriage, that Hashem ushers in the Ultimate Ultimate Joy with the coming of Moshiach immediately.
******
Dr. Yisroel Susskind is a clinical psychologist who practices locally (in Monsey, New York) and internationally (over the telephone and computer). He lectures worldwide on topics involving Torah, psychology, marriage and interpersonal relationships. He can be reached via email (This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.) or by phone (845-304-5481).
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