Can you spot and evade a kvetch: Devorim
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ב"ה
Can you spot and evade a kvetch: Devorim
Ed Yisroel Susskind, Ph.D.
July, 2017
The internationally acclaimed Israeli canine trainer Yossi had arrived at the Hollywood movie studios, accompanied by his dog Kelev. To demonstrate his skill, Yossi launched a Frisbee into the air and commanded, "Kelev, fetch!"
 Resting on his hind quarters Kelev responded, "What? That stupid trick again ! Can't you show some creativity? You want me to run across this wet grass and shlep back the Frisbee, only to have you throw it away again ! and meanwhile, you get to eat roast beef sandwiches while I get old, dried, dog kibble."
The studio executives were appalled. "We paid all this money to bring this incompetent to the U.S.?," they thought.
"No problem," Yossi reassured them. Bending close to Kelev's face, Yossi yelled "Fetch", as the Frisbee took flight. Like a bullet, Kelev
soared aloft, caught the Frisbee in mid-air, and laid it submissively at his master's feet.
Yossi explained, "Kelev is having some difficulty distinguishing between 'fetch' and 'kvetch'."
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Sometimes a person makes a demand on you because they want you to take care of them; they want you to fetch. Maybe, you should take care of them and even "kiss the booboo." You clearly demonstrate your "unconditional love", if periodically you give to your spouse even when they are technically wrong or unpleasant. Hopefully, they will reciprocate when you are "stuck in your stuff."
But sometimes the situation is more pathological and sinister. What if their primary motivation is in order to tear you down with criticism? Then, no matter what you do, you will still be told that you are wrong and bad.
 The image above is an example of a kvetch's snare. Inevitably, you end up wrong.
This is a very negative problem that I can encounter as a marital therapist. I need to then protect both the non-kvetching client and the kvetch from this trap. Otherwise, the non-kvetch will be ground down and the kvetch will remain isolated, bitter, and unloved.
 This article will deal with that negativity; I hope that its insights will be of help.
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In this week's parsha, Devorim (Deut. 1:1-3:22), Moses says that the Israelites have been unbearable (1:9) because of their ongoing "squabbles". He uses the word rivchem (רִיבְכֶם ) for squabbles (1:12). To explain the meaning of rivchem , the commentator Rashi says that
"they were rognim רוגנים .", they were "petulant" This word rognim is a very unusual word. Moses himself will use the word in וַתֵּרָגְנוּ בְאָהֳלֵיכֶם( "and you slandered in your tents") in verse 1:27. This is the only appearance of the word rogain in all of the Pentateuch/Chumash.
When Torah uses so unusual a word it is a signal to us to search for a deeper instruction.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe clarifies that rogain did not refer to an honest difference of opinion, raised openly in public, in sincere search for a solution. Rather these were private mutterings and slander, grumbled in the privacy of their tents. (see Likutei Sichos, 34:20)
רוגן" אינו ענין של ריב סתם, אלא בעיקר ריב הקשור עם דיבור לשון הרע... שלא עשו ריב גלוי אלא דברו לשון הרע והוציאו דבה בינם לבין עצמם בסתר, בהיותם באהליהם
Rogain refers to a sinister, deceptive, venomous, disingenuous quarreling. The person quarrels, not to seek a solution, but rather as an unrelenting, covert, attack.
We find an additional facet of rogain if we look at the word's appearance in Proverbs:
(18:8)
ח דִּבְרֵי נִרְגָּן, כְּמִתְלַהֲמִים; וְהֵם, יָרְדוּ חַדְרֵי-בָטֶן.
8 The words of a whisperer are as dainty morsels, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly.
(26:20-22)
כ בְּאֶפֶס עֵצִים, תִּכְבֶּה-אֵשׁ; וּבְאֵין נִרְגָּן, יִשְׁתֹּק מָדוֹן.
20 Where no wood is, the fire goeth out; and where there is no whisperer, contention ceaseth.
כא פֶּחָם לְגֶחָלִים, וְעֵצִים לְאֵשׁ; וְאִישׁ מדונים (מִדְיָנִים), לְחַרְחַר-רִיב.
21 As coals are to burning coals, and wood to fire; so is a contentious man to kindle strife. {P}
כב דִּבְרֵי נִרְגָּן, כְּמִתְלַהֲמִים; וְהֵם, יָרְדוּ חַדְרֵי-בָטֶן.
22 The words of a whisperer are as dainty morsels, and they go down into the innermost parts of the body.
כג כֶּסֶף סִיגִים, מְצֻפֶּה עַל-חָרֶשׂ-- שְׂפָתַיִם דֹּלְקִים וְלֶב-רָע.
23 Burning lips and a wicked heart are like an earthen vessel overlaid with silver dross.
כד בִּשְׂפָתָו, יִנָּכֵר שׂוֹנֵא; וּבְקִרְבּוֹ, יָשִׁית מִרְמָה.
24 He that hateth dissembleth with his lips, but he layeth up deceit within him.
כה כִּי-יְחַנֵּן קוֹלוֹ, אַל-תַּאֲמֶן-בּוֹ: כִּי שֶׁבַע תּוֹעֵבוֹת בְּלִבּוֹ.
25 When he speaketh fair, believe him not; for there are seven abominations in his heart.
כו תִּכַּסֶּה שִׂנְאָה, בְּמַשָּׁאוֹן; תִּגָּלֶה רָעָתוֹ בְקָהָל.
26 Though his hatred be concealed with deceit, his wickedness shall be revealed before the congregation.
The quarrel is a "dainty morsel" that delights the Rogain.
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What is the instruction here for our relationships?
First, recognize when you are being seduced into a quarrel that seeks only to harm you. Some codependent people feel that they must continue to explain and to defend themselves, so that ultimately the complainer will love them. Mission impossible.
Withdraw mildly from the argument. "Sorry, I wish I could make you feel better, but nothing that I say will help." The Rogain will continue to make you wrong in an effort to prolong the argument: "See you don't even care enough to hear my feelings."
Why does the Rogain do this? Because in the depths of his heart he wants your love and attention. But because of his own profound unconscious inner pain, he cannot open his heart to a sincere tender exchange.
So he seeks negative attention. The twisted logic is, "If I can see that I can upset you, it is a sign that you care about me." The quarrel also provides him an opportunity to temporarily drain the some of his toxic anger-swamp.
Is there hope? If you continue to give to him at your initiation, not at times when he is being a terrorist, if you refuse to feed him with negative energy; then, he may learn that the only way he can receive any energy from you is when he is non-hostile. He may then enter therapy and open his heart to vulnerability, both purging his pain and accepting love. There is the risk that instead he may leave the relationship.
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May it be that Hashem ushers in a period of sincere open caring that dispels all covert arguing, with the coming of Moshiach immediately.
Dr. Yisroel Susskind is a clinical psychologist who practices locally (in Monsey, New York) and internationally (over the telephone and computer). He lectures worldwide on topics involving Torah, psychology, marriage and interpersonal relationships. He can be reached via email (This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.) or by phone (845-304-5481).
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