Love Deeply: B'ha'aloscho
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ב"ה
Love Deeply: B'ha'aloscho
Ed Yisroel Susskind, Ph.D.
June 4, 2017
Is it reasonable to seek infatuation in your life?
The Latin root of infatuation, infatuare, means "to make a fool of." Can you expect infatuation to last over decades of marriage?
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It is 1969. My dear friend Yaakov has just finished his academic training. With his new real job, real income, and professional status, he is ready to fly. Yes, he will leave behind his University friends, but his upcoming position offers a new, full social life.
"Yaakov", says David, "Yaffa is New York visiting her family."
"Yaffa!", muses Yaakov tenderly. When they met 6 years ago, he felt for her in a way that he never had felt before. But she was passionate to "go up" to Israel, and he was passionate to "go up" academically. So, the pairing was not practical and, painfully, they parted.
Should he visit her? The pain is gone and only adolescent fondness remains. She will probably be returning to Israel in a few weeks, to continue the life she had built over the past six years. So, what could happen? Just a quick bit of nostalgia. What could it hurt???
Hurt, shmurt !
He enters her parents' home, sees her, and he is dumbstruck, entranced, mesmerized, "a deer in headlights", באצויבערט, colpo di tuono, פארליבט.
 A year later they are married.
But does such infatuation last? An answer is suggested in this week's reading, B'ha'aloscha.
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Two Israelites (Eldad and Meidad) publicly prophesy, saying that Moses will die and that Joshua will be the new leader who brings the Israelites into the Promised Land.
 Joshua urges Moses to punish them for prophesying without authority from Moses to do so: "How dare they present themselves as prophets when you alone are the true prophet of our people!"
 Moses replies, "you need not be so zealous ("m'kanay") concerning my prerogatives...I would be thrilled if Hashem enabled every Israelite to prophesy" (Numbers 11:26-29):
הַמְקַנֵּא אַתָּה לִי; וּמִי יִתֵּן כָּל-עַם יְהוָה, נְבִיאִים
Why is Joshua upset? One might have expected him to be pleased by the prophecy; it legitimized Joshua's inheriting the mantle of leadership. However, Joshua's overwhelming love for Moses makes him oblivious to any personal advantages. He is self-nullified (m'vutl, ibbergegeben) by the magnitude of his devotion to Moses.
The Lubavitcher Rebbe notes that Hashem has a special love for Joshua precisely because of Joshua's intense adolescent devotion to Moses. Joshua is a na'ar , a "lad", and his adoration of Moses is beyond rational consideration (l'maa'la meta'am v'da'as). Joshua is superior to the 70 elders whom Moses appoints in this parsha; for the elders' strength lies in their great rationality, which does not transcend reason. (Likutei Sichos, 19:313)
The Rebbe frequently asserted that the Torah is "not a history book"; when it relates a "story"; there is always an instruction for our current behavior (אנווייזונג) embedded in the tale. Joshua's devotion to Moses may be a metaphor for what we should seek in our marriages.
"Oh, Dr. Susskind, you suffer from D.U.M. ( Disorder: Ubsessed w. Marriage). Does it always have to be about marriage? Maybe we are being told a metaphor that is only for the relationship between super-spiritual people, or between a tsaddik and his disciple."
 Maimonides provides an answer (Hilchos Teshuva, 10:3): How do you know whether you love Hashem sufficiently? You should love Hashem like an obsessed, lovesick man loves a woman.
Yiddishkeit frequently equates three things: love of Hashem, marital love, and tea: all three should be "hot."
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How do you sustain a deep love for your spouse?
An all-too-brief answer: take on the personal goal of being a loving person; meditate on the times in the past when you felt great love for your spouse (just as Hashem says, " I remember, for you, the goodness of your youth, the love of your bridal days"); if you have no such fond memories, fantasize about the way you wish it could have been then and how it could be now [your thoughts have a physical impact on the universe]; frequently, perhaps daily, behave in a loving way, touching your spouse's heart, even if you do it "not for its own sake", and doing so will become part of your nature.
 Does this approach benefit all marriages? No; but it significantly helps at least 90% of couples.
Today's dvar Torah is dedicated to Yakov and Yaffa, on the occasion of their 47th anniversary.
May it be that Hashem sees us acting in such a dedicated, infatuated fashion; that He reacts to us as he did to Joshua's devotion; and, that He shows us His Ultimate Love, by revealing Himself openly in the world, ushering in the Messianic era, now.
Dr. Yisroel Susskind is a clinical psychologist who practices locally (in Monsey, New York) and internationally (over the telephone and computer). He lectures worldwide on topics involving Torah, psychology, marriage and interpersonal relationships. He can be reached via email (This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.) or by phone (845-304-5481).
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